The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

On the surface a ripple appears... created by a drop that fell from heights unknown...
The mirror of hiding is forever broken... the ocean of sadness open for all to see...
Threes no one there...

Shakespeare once wrote "It is better to have Loved and Lost, than to have never Loved at All."

But what about those who love someone with a raging and desperate passion that even they cant explain... but have to live with the knowledge that by their own actions and words... they can never be with them?

Thats how im living now.

Every day i feel like im falling deeper and deeper into a depression that i cant handle... its my fault. Its all my fault... Im getting desperate... i need and escape... but there is no escape... only blogs that dont help... and the constant pain of loving what i cant have.

New definition of life. Pain.

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yes well... im all over the place right now.

Does life actually have a point? If it does then someone enlighten me please XD at the moment it feels like... see thats the thing... i have so many feelings flying around they've blurred into emotional numbness... the only thing i know is that things are just getting to be too much. Its just too much.
One day soon, im going to break.
Ha, i just described what i feel like to a mate... i feel like im boarder-line explosive depression...
yeah i think thats my problem. Depression.
You know the sucky thing though? I was looking up councillors and stuff earlier... damn people are sooooo expensive!!!! so even if i thought it would help i wouldnt have been able to afford it XD isnt that handy XD XD XD XD

well fuck this. fuck this whole life thing. Im thinking ill just retreat into a shell inside my head =) where life doesnt exist =)

Its said that the very basic instinct that all living creatures have is the instinct to survive. But what does surviving actually encompass? Many will say that survival is all about being alive. Keeping your heart pumping and your body healthy, maintain vital signs all that jazz. And yeah, i guess that is the basic definition.
There is so much more to survival than physical life.
In order to survive a day, for example, people have to stay alive (ie not die) and they have to overcome problems. Most people have to deal with stress and strain, pressure, difficult choices, annoyances, depression, losses, gains etc. And isn't dealing with these things the same as surviving them? Maybe, or maybe the word surviving is too strong. So lets be specific.
When someone is faced with something that threatens who they are as person. Such as when a dramatic change or a horrible emotional hurt that affects every aspect of their life. Or when something happens to put a person under incredible amounts of stress. Or when something really depressing happens in a persons life. Can dealing with things of this magnitude, and being able to maintain identity, therefore be called survival?
We are all shaped by what we are exposed to. From the very instant of birth, we are influenced by what we see, what we hear, what those around as do. Then, at some stage during our life, we develop a general personality, and an identity. Doesn't it then make sense that if something life-altering occurs, then our identity can again be influenced? Is it then survival to overcome a life-altering or an extreme emotionally challenging occurrence while maintaining the identity we shaped for ourselves previously?
If so, then someone write me an emotional obituary note <3

Okay, well ive calmed down somewhat...
People who read my blogs, if there is anyone, expect them to become a lot less frequent and a lot less specific. Lately ive been blogging about whatever it was that Reuben and I had, and if you hadnt figured that out yet well then, there you go.
Ha, at first i thought it was hilarious how we used our blogs as a medium to communicate... although we also said pretty much the same stuff straight up to each other. Either way im not blogging about him anymore. Ever. No matter what happens, even though i know exactly what that is.
Anyway long story short, whatever it was that we had obviously isnt good enough for him so fuck it. If he wants to spend his life trying to keep something that died a long time ago alive, he can go right ahead. Im not gonna beg or plead, and when it all goes pear shaped again, im not gonna be here. I refuse to get myself back into that hopeless situation. Sure, after a while if he wants to try and be friends, fine. But thats it.
Actually, the rest of this blog is just gonna be me ranting about what a fuckhead he is. Or at least, how much of a fuckhead he is being.
I dont understand where i went wrong.
I stole a webcam for him, I bought a new phone so he could call me, I ditched my mates so i could hang out with him (something that never happened btw) i lost sleep worrying about him, i lost sleep thinking about him, i got into fights with my mates over him... i fucking love him. I really do, i love him. But then, he doesnt want that. No he wants the ex. He's always wanted the fucking ex.
Fuck i feel like such an IDIOT. Mainly because i believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he blogged "But on a serious note, me and holly wont ever have anything happen again"
Nah, i can see that (Y)
AND THEN he says "im sorry for leading you on..."
YEAH IM SURE YOU FUCKING ARE.
"either way its really not much fun for the person its happening too somtimes you cant change whats happening and i understand when that happens… but im sorry but this time they knew perfectly well as well… i guess sometimes the words “i love you” dont actually have meaning…."
Amen Reuben.
Thats it people. Thats as much as im gonna write about him from now on.
Fuck him.

Wow and he thinks HE was the one being fucked around.
Well, i have a message for him.
Reuben, i love you, but fuck you mate.
Cheers for the ride.
Now go fuck yourself.

I dont understand people, i reall dont.
Especially the ones with double fucking standards. Here i am, putting in genuine effort, and they keep chaning their mind and doing this and then doing something else and FUCK. its just going all over the fucking place. Why the hell am i still in this thing? Oh wait, thats why, becuase i actually mean what i fucking say!
Oh no wait, they do to... i guess we have different definitons.
Fuck it i cant be fucked writing anymore. Ill write more later.

Okay, well ive had a pretty shit night...
First off, ive been sick for the past week. Ive had a really horrible sore throat, a chest cough, fevers and a runny nose on and off for the past six or seven days. I was cooped up at home last week til Friday when i went to Perth for the night. The thing is, its really bad in the mornings and at night, but it gets better in the day...
ANYWAY the point is...
I coughed, and my brother, who was annoyed at me for some reason, decided to be a smart arse again and sneered "that cough isnt very convincing... you should work on it" and implied that i was faking. NOW my mother also thinks im faking. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I FAKE SICK?!?! IM NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF ANYTHING SO WHATS TEH FUCKING POINT!?!?! Im sitting here feeling liek SHIT and now becuase of my brother, my own mother doesnt trust me. IT WAS HER WHO THOUGHT THAT I HAD FUCKING SWINE FLU!!! URGH IM SO SICK OF HER ALWAYS CHANGING HER FUCKING MIND!!
ONTO ANOTHER THING!
On mondays, i have the afternoon free beucase of Guidence. The school as a policy that allows students with guidence as a fifth period to leave school early. SO me and my mate went into town to get a pie, and my sister saw me. NOW they both think im wagging!! BUT the thing is... I FUCKING TOLD THEM BOTH ABOUT THE SCHOOL POLICY!!! a couple of times actually!!! I explained the fucking thing to my mum and asked if it was okay and she said "yeah, its fine as long as you can get home..." FUCK!!
so now, my own mother doesnt trust me.
FUCK IM SO SICK OF THIS. What do you do when your own MOTHER doesnt trust you anymore?? and with something so simple as a fucking school period?!?! Urgh!! And my sister doesnt help!!! always fucking telling EVERYONE EVERYTHING!!!

JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! FOR FUCKS FUCKING SAKE IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!!
I tell you what as soon as im out of here in Nov... ill keep in contact but thats IT!! im fucking GONE!!
FUCKING HURRY UP NOVEMBER!!!

Well im certainly feeling better =) just read something that made me smile =)

Kinda relieved i thought id fucked things up completely... and for a while i did.... but now it seems to have settled down and is getting back on track...
However, im thinking of slowing things down still. I mean, theres still a ways to go, and theres no point charging straight into it without thinking.
OR maybe im thinking too much. But then see, theres more people involved than normal. Things are pretty fragile, and i admitt i still have my doubts at times. Not all the time but sometimes i can help it...
Either way, I love him, and im willing to wait. I just hope he is too. Coz regardless of things, i care about the other people involved.
Thats whats frusturating XD or more exasperating... ive been waiting for him to ask me XD hahaha ive been considering asking him XD XD but then he'd probably say no XD XD otherwise he would have asked me already yeah? >>;] so im just gonna wait XD XD
this is a random blog XD XD im not normally this random XD XD ah well, im in a good mood =)

Im thinking ill post something normal later but for now im off XD XD have a good one loyal readers XD XD all six of you XD BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Y)

love you =)

"There is no right or wrong. there are only consequences for our actions."

So true. Im learning this one the hard way...
Im guessing its back to heartbreak now. Once again, all my fault. Screwed up something that was indescribable... and in one night... poof. Gone. Maybe, most probably i wouldnt be surprised.
That was probably the only thing i said on the weekend that wasnt a lie. Im an emotional masochist. Almost the point of Obsessive Compulsive. Im already emotionally fucked, but if i get the chance to make it worse, then i just cant help myself... i just cant. I regret it later, but at the time its something different.
Thats pretty much what happened this time.
Im fucked up emotionally from my last relationship. I mean, really fucked up people dont realise how badly im actually screwed. Then, on the weekend i was presented with an opportunity to completely FUCK something new i was experiencing with one of the most amazing guys i know. I took it. I was screaming at myself to stop, and i almost did, but my competitive nature and my mentally fucked ways just got the better of me. Now, when all the cards have been thrown on the table... well, now i realise what an arse ive been. Now i see how bad things have actually become, all because of me and my fucked-ness.
So, now im about to lose something that makes me happiest. And, im getting exactly what i wanted... which i fucking hate. I dont want this, i dont want any of this to happen, but it is, and i know that it was what i was anticipating on the weekend when i made my choice.
People, im fucked.
I have fights with myself i have almost full on wars in my head... I do things that create disaster, and even though i dont want it, i know that i do. I want what i dont want, and i do things to bring about what i dont want because i want it! So what the fuck do i actually want?!?! I understand a lot of things in life, and my own thoughts and my own mental state is defiantly not one of them. I fucking hate myself, i hate what i do i hate how i live i hate how i cant help doing things i know will hurt myself as well as other people... I FUCKING HATE IT!
Im a fuckwit... things would be so much better if i just left. i think thats what ill do actually... i think ill just leave. Then i cant hurt anyone else.

i say too much. that is all.

Well... i feel like crap.
Woke up feeling like crap, sore throat, cough, fever, headaches... (all the symptoms of swine flu lucky me...) Then things started getting better... had the house to myself, got to listen to music at full volume (wasnt helping my headache but it was IAMX and Parkway Drive... so worth it) and ive been on facebook and tweetdeck all day socialising with friends. When facebook was in a down time due to friends being normal human beings and not being on facebook, i took the chance to stalk someone.
Someone amazing.
I havent known him very long, but my God he is fantastic. Looking through pictures and a very funny video, ive come to realise how much i actually miss him. I havent seen him in a week and a half, which really isnt that long, but i miss him. Can you blame me? I love the guy.
However, im pretty sure i have fucked things up beyond repair for us... if there was ever going to be an us. I dont know how, and i dont know why, but i just have that feeling you get when you know somethings slipping away from you, and theres nothing you can do about it. So i guess its back to heartbreak for me. Bet thats gonna be fun on the bun.
You see, ive been an idiot lately. A naive idiot. I feel terrible though. I cant trust anyone, including him, even though i want to so badly... I cant even trust my mates trying to help me and give me advice. What do you do when you cant trust anyone? And now... i cant be with him for a while... it hard to explain why... but i just cant... unless we dont tell anyone. But then, i cant be with him if i cant trust him.
What i need now is a party of some sort. Parties are fun coz i can be a complete idiot and people put it down to intoxication. Seriously, you can do almost anything its great. Although, i must admit, some of the intoxicated choice i make arnt that good... but then thats why you have to be intoxicated when you make them! Its a cycle you see.
I make brilliant choices, really i do.
But, the bad thing is im sick. AND if im still sick by Saturday then i cant go to a party for about four weeks, unless i hear about one before the next one. If i cant go Saturday... im pretty sure im gonna cry. Geez, my opinions on parties have changed so much... ive changed so much... ever since my last relationship ended... I dont know why i guess i have nothing to stop me now... Ive always wanted to party and dance and be an idiot, but i never did because i didnt want to lose him. Now its over i have nothing to hold me back... i know i know that sounds horrible... he wasnt really holding me back at all... its hard to explain, and i dont want to make it even worse, so im not even going to try.
I just found out i cant talk to Mr Amazing til about 8... so i need to find something to do between now and then that doesn't involve dying.
Wish me luck.
Its too bad that luck doesn't exist.

Well... i havent really had much to blog about recently... which really sucks...
maybe im trying to be to witty and opinionated with these blogs... am i taking it to seriously?? i have no idea... wasnt that the original point to blogs?
oh well... im gonna try something... im just gonna write randomly about my weekend...

weekend was interesting to say the least XD XD Saturday was fucking EPIC!!
went to a mates party... got just a tad intoxicated XD XD
well... yeah stuff happened... nothing bad just stuff... kinda made things a tad awkward... but fucking hilarious XD XD it was truely and epic night XD XD AAAAAND im gonna be doing it all again next weekend by the sounds of it... another mates party... more drunkenness... more bad choices XD XD gonna rule XD BUT hopefully some more of my mates will be there sooooo.... maybe ill do a bit more dancing this time XD XD

OH EM GEE DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE CHICKEN?!?!?!

There was a fucking CHICKEN on the dance floor XD XD that was a total WIN!!! also, a window was broken, a coffee table was broken, and arm and a thumb were broken, there were masses of cans and bottles EVERYWHERE, shampoo, Clearasil and soap ALL over the bathroom and sakatas EVERYWHERE!! (i mean EVERYWHERE)... it was fantastic XD XD awesome night LOVED it... mostly XD

Sunday was hilariously awkward XD XD XD a) i was hungover at work and b)... yeah XD XD hahahahahahahahaaha total brilliance XD XD

all in all it was a great weekend.... BRING ON NEXT SATURDAY!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

<3