The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

"There is no right or wrong. there are only consequences for our actions."

So true. Im learning this one the hard way...
Im guessing its back to heartbreak now. Once again, all my fault. Screwed up something that was indescribable... and in one night... poof. Gone. Maybe, most probably i wouldnt be surprised.
That was probably the only thing i said on the weekend that wasnt a lie. Im an emotional masochist. Almost the point of Obsessive Compulsive. Im already emotionally fucked, but if i get the chance to make it worse, then i just cant help myself... i just cant. I regret it later, but at the time its something different.
Thats pretty much what happened this time.
Im fucked up emotionally from my last relationship. I mean, really fucked up people dont realise how badly im actually screwed. Then, on the weekend i was presented with an opportunity to completely FUCK something new i was experiencing with one of the most amazing guys i know. I took it. I was screaming at myself to stop, and i almost did, but my competitive nature and my mentally fucked ways just got the better of me. Now, when all the cards have been thrown on the table... well, now i realise what an arse ive been. Now i see how bad things have actually become, all because of me and my fucked-ness.
So, now im about to lose something that makes me happiest. And, im getting exactly what i wanted... which i fucking hate. I dont want this, i dont want any of this to happen, but it is, and i know that it was what i was anticipating on the weekend when i made my choice.
People, im fucked.
I have fights with myself i have almost full on wars in my head... I do things that create disaster, and even though i dont want it, i know that i do. I want what i dont want, and i do things to bring about what i dont want because i want it! So what the fuck do i actually want?!?! I understand a lot of things in life, and my own thoughts and my own mental state is defiantly not one of them. I fucking hate myself, i hate what i do i hate how i live i hate how i cant help doing things i know will hurt myself as well as other people... I FUCKING HATE IT!
Im a fuckwit... things would be so much better if i just left. i think thats what ill do actually... i think ill just leave. Then i cant hurt anyone else.