The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

There's a question that many people have debated and pondered for many years. I'm not sure where it originated from, but it doesn't really matter. The question is this:

People tell me I'm a walking oxymoron. Ive given up trying to argue that point.
Take for example, my outlook on sense. Common sense, things that don't make sense, things that do make sense. I like things that make sense. Making sense is secure, safe. Its just as it should be basically. Things that don't make sense i find interesting. Why don't they make sense? What makes them not make sense? How would it be if they did make sense? Interesting thought patterns come from that which doesn't make sense.
I don't make sense.
I always contradict myself, my opinions cancel each other out, my phrases, while they may suit the situation, don't seem to make any sense at all until i explain them to whoever sticks around long enough to listen. Take for example my outlook on commitment...
I don't see relationships at this age commitments (or at any age really considering today's relationship stats) because i see a commitment as something you cant walk away from. The stats i was talking about say otherwise when it comes to relationships of any age or type. People leave each other all the time, and while it hurts like hell, it happens. A true commitment you cant just walk away from. BUT at the same time as I'm thinking this, I'm worrying myself crazy over the fact that the person I'm falling (very fast) for, who has told me he loves me, is hesitant when it actually comes to being together officially. I cant help but think that because we aren't actually together, the risk of losing him is massively increased, despite me knowing its not much more than a name. I know, I know, its stupid, and it doesn't make sense and its things like this that don't make sense that i don't like.
(Are you seeing my point about me being a walking contradiction as well as not making any sense yet?)
I'm driving myself insane. There are other things i think about in this fashion, politics, war, all the "important" things. Sometimes i cant stand being in my own head, and there's very little i wouldn't do just to be free of my own thoughts for a while. To have peace and quiet. A break from the arguments i have with myself.
Hmmm... i guess I'm not very good at staying on topic either.
The point is, i contradict my own opinions, i don't make sense to myself so how can i make sense to others, and i cant stand being inside my own head at times. Like right now. Can someone please just tell me how to stop this?
I'm sick of being so tired.

Weekends are insightful things... apparently.

Spent a night with friends, hanging out, being idiots, the usual. Just being kids. We really don't have much time to be kids. Not enough by any ones standards. So kid it up while you can. Stay out late, spend all your money, laugh til you cry, cry til you laugh all of that. But play it safe. Always play it safe. Trust me with one thing, trust me with that.
The weekend is three hours from over for me. Not a cheery thought. But such is life. I'm not sure if I'm sad, or happy to see it gone though. Sad to farewell the fun times, and the major revelation that i awoke to at about three o'clock this morning. Happy to see the confusion that has riddled my life for the past few weeks slowly tick away with the clock. Somewhat angry to find that more confusion is slowly creeping in.
What is it that i want most in life?
Wait... no i know the answer to that. I have all along. Okay so...
Whats the thing i want most in life AFTER what i really want most in life?
(See what i mean about the confusion part? Too many convoluted questions and not enough simple answers...)
But then i guess that has a simple answer to. I want what I'm being denied. Isn't that what everyone wants though? They want what they cant have? I finally figured it out, and i finally worked up the courage to say something Ive been trying to deny out of either caution or stupidity ( i haven't decided yet), and then I'm denied it... but then, as i said before... such is life.

A lot of people in my life have uttered the three words in a such a particular order that never really had me thinking about the meaning of such a phrase. Already i can tell you that a majority of people will be thinking of the three simple words that automatically spring to mind when one mentions "those three words". I'm sorry to disappoint, but i am obligated to tell you that those words are not the three words that have started these quizzical thoughts that do so run through my mind, although they in themselves are quiet important. I shall talk in further depth to those words when the main interest of this discussion has been clarified and contemplated. So now, i trust you are wondering what three words i am typing about. What other "three words" are there? Let me inform you that there are a great many "three words" in this life of ours. In fact, i just typed one of those words now. i am indeed talking about the phrase

whats so confusing about this? you may ask. I shall tell you. Define "well." I attempt to answer to such a request by answering that in this instance, the word "well" depends upon the individuals personal interpretation of the values, beliefs, morals and opportunities presented in this world today, tomorrow and in the past. So why do people insist we "live life well" and then question our actions on such a request? Hypocrisy perhaps? Or more, unfair judgment? Why request that one "live life well" and then question their definition of the term? I shall leave you to ponder or dismiss this potential contemplation.I shall move on to the other "three words", or more accurately, what they stand for.


Debatabley the strongest word in every human language. but what is it really? Love. An emotion felt by those who feel it. Yet how do you know what you feel? if love is different for every person, then how does one define the concept of love defiantly? Of course, there is the attraction, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, yet when does attraction and care blossom into love? When you feel for a particular person more that you feel for others? If it hurts so much to be away that you don't know how you can still breathe in and out? When it hurts to be with them because you know that eventually you will part again? According to life in general, love hurts, but they don't clarify what pain it is one feels when in love. Is this pain physical, emotional, mental... or a combination of all perhaps?So when does love become obsession? Is it possible for one to go beyond those confusing feelings of love to become so crazed with longing that a sense of creepiness enters the equation?
I'm not to sure where others stand with these issues. I myself have come to a conclusion on the issue of "love" and i am here to tell you that

a) I have felt what i believe to be love before and
b) for reasons i cannot describe, and therefore cannot compare.

For those of you who read this and disregard it as a lonely girls twisted thoughts of a empty romance with her cyber personality, i am disappointed. For those of you consider those things which i have mentioned, thank you.

Its funny how we seem to be immune to our own emotion. We think we feel something, then when something beyond our control happens to bring the object of our emotion to light, we realise that our feelings are either more or less intense than we knew. Or, at least that is whats happening to me now.
I knew that i felt something, i knew that i enjoyed the feeling. Now, when the object has been taken away from me, the feelings have morphed into something different. A disapointement much heavier than i first thought it would be. Ive been without before, and each time was like a new weight to the heart, but each weight was bareable, cureable. Why now, then, do i feel so crushed?
I guess i feel more than i thought i did. More than I allowed myself to know. That makes sense.
Guilt has been a big part of the feelings for the object. I only recently lost what i loved, and already new feelings have arisen. Lies? No. Not lies. Never lies. Perhaps simply too soon? However, if it was too soon, then how to i feel what i feel in the first place? Maybe Im Masochistic? Feeling love for what hurts the most... what cuts the deepest. Perhaps. But now is what i know, and what i know is what i feel towards him. What i feel towards the knowledge that i cant have him. And that is what hurts the most.

Why is it that sleep can provoke thoughts?
Right now, im watching someone sleep. Are they dreaming? Do they remember the world outside their closed eyes? They look so innocent in sleep, and to watch them now is to see a different side to them. I know them as a friend, when they are awake. I know their voice, their likes and dislikes, their tendencies and habits, interests and opinions. Watching them now, as they slumber unaware of their audience, i can see that they are fragile. I see the creases in their brow and wonder if they worry. I see the grinding of their teeth and wonder if they are frustrated. Why the twitch of the eye? Are they aware of their own vulnerability?
We are all the same in sleep.
Opinions hold no ground, as we cannot argue. Grudges melt, as we forget our anger. Love fades away, as emotion cannot exist in sleep. Dreams take hold, the random array of our lives, in a jumbled mix of sound and picture. Some try to make sense of the scenes that keep us captive in sleep. To which i see no point.
It is interesting to watch one that you care for sleep.
They are vulnerable, i want to protect them. They move, i wonder what they are seeing. I feel gentler towards the sleeping friend then i ever have before.
Do others think of this, as they watched loved ones sleep? Or am i alone?
Does anyone watch me sleep, and wonder?

Isnt it strange to think about strangers? You see people every day, people that you dont know anything about. In the streets, in the news, in photos and magazines. Even celebrities. Ever stopped to think about the fact that they have a life? They have experiences, they have their own family, friends, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams. Or maybe then dont. Thats the thing, you dont know, thats why they are strangers.
Its funny, i see pictures of people on the net, and i think about this. I wonder what their name is, i wonder where they come from, i wonder if they sit up late at night and think about their life. I wonder what they have been through i wonder what kind of people they know i wonder what their opinions and views of the world are. I compare them to me. I know my own life, i know my name, i know where i come from, i know what ive been through. Is it anything like what they know? Do they fight with their family and friends as much as they love them too? Do they have thoughts about someone they like, and feel sad and scared at the thought like me? Are they a thrill seeker? Have they been hurt? Maybe they share my fragile emotional state? Maybe they were also affected by that beautiful yet horrible thing called love? Do they have anger and trust issues like me? And most importantly. Do they think about people like me as im thinking about them? Do they shed a thought when they see a picture on the net?
I sit here, and im hearing my own family. Im hearing my sisters boyfriend talking to my mother in the kitchen. I hear my brother playing a game on a game console behind me. There is an empty tea mug next to me, and my wallet on the computer tower. There is only what i know. But out there right at this very instance, there are other people. There are sleeping people, there are waking people. There are people dying and people being born. There are children at school, and young adults at university. There are people laughing, there are people crying. Right now. And im sitting here writing about them. Right. Now.

Love is a bitch. Tell you that much for free. But when your feeling it, and the object of your affection is feeling it back, its the most amazing feeling in the world. Until it ends. Then its really horrible. However, there are some lucky ones for whom love does not end. There are also some very unlucky ones for whom love again, does not end. I think im somewhere in between. I promised my ex i would love him for longer than eternity, and even if I had a choice with that, i wouldnt take it back. We had an amazing year together, one I will never forget, one I will always cherish. But forgetting something and moving on from something are two totally different concepts. Your forget things you dont love, and you forget things you dont hold dear to you. But you can love something, and move on from it at the same time. I do cherish what i had with my ex, and i do hold him, and what we had close to my heart, but i have to move on from it. We all get times when we have to move on, its a fact of life, and trust me i know how hard it is. I know, I know its harder for others, and its harder depending upon the situation, but the fact is i know its hard. But its okay. Im learning that slowly.

Ive met someone.

Else.

I didnt know him when i was still with my ex, i met him about two weeks after he broke up with me. I cant describe him. Honestly. Hes great and lots of fun. Completely random and spontanious. He really is an amazing guy. And i must admitt, i do have feelings for him. We arnt together, but somehow i dont think we need to be at the moment. I dont know how our friendship is affecting him, but i can tell you he is helping me a lot. Hes helping me see that i can have fun hanging out with other guys, and hes helping me come to terms with the fact that i can move on, and im allowed to move on.

I feel incredibally guilty though. It really hasnt been that long since my ex broke up with me. Have i moved on too soon? Have i moved on at all? Am i just using this "new guy"? If i am i dont mean to. Its confusing, becuase i cant deny that i do like him. I like him a lot more than he knows, a lot more than anyone knows. But then theres the ex thing. Now i know im not in love with him anymore, now i know that i can live without him by my side and im fine with him as just a friend, it makes sense that id be able to move on and persue my feelings for the "new guy" right? But is it too soon? Am i shallow? I feel so terrible. But how do you know when its been long enough? What marks a sufficiant time period? Is that in itself shallow? To one day wake up and think "hmm.. its been long enough id say, time to get back out there and find a boyfriend?" wow even that sounds shallow... "find a boyfriend" as in the entire point of a relationship is purely to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, which of course its not. Its about feelings, and having fun, and trusting the person to look after you and care for you and cherish you as much as you love, care for and cherish them.

I guess thats another thing. Truuuuust me, i had NO intention of getting onto something like this, ANYTHING even REMOTELY like this. I told myself i wouldnt jump straight into another relationship although technically im not in one. Does that make me a hypocrite?!?! I dont know. But the thing is, im having a really, really, really hard time trusting this guy. I really cant deny it. Theres some indications that i havent actually moved on. I mean, i had trust issues before my ex, but now... i cant even trust myself. I cant trust anyone. Im not scared of falling in love again, but i dont really want to becuase i dont want to hurt like that again. Is that unfair to the "new guy"? Im so emotionally fucked that if he really does love me, as he already told me he does, he'll be missing out. How long will he stick around then? I can completely understand if he doesnt want to, i cant blame him with my mood swings and sudden bouts of depression... maybe thats another thing to do with my trust issues. i dont know. Its confusing.
But for now i choose to wait.