The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

First off can i just say... MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

You know... it doesnt feel like Christmas... i mean the decs are up, the tree is standing tall and the various sized gifts are all wrapped and under it... but theres just no spirit for me... possibly because i was broke after moving to the city, and therefore unable to buy any gifts for my family and friends... sorry everyone =S
Anyway, Christmas is not what i wanted to write about... no no no... im gonna write about THE CITY!!! =D
Honestly one of the best choices i ever made =) I love it!
Okay, okay, okay... i live with my sister in one of the cities higher-class suburbs (AWESOME! THANKS GRANDPARENTS!!! =D) cheap rent, cheap food, close to the city its all good! The house is small, yes, but its cosy and familiar, although theres no awkward childhood memories, as we have made it our own pretty much =) im much more comfortable living in my grandmas house than i thought i would be... My room is all mine haha =P despite me saying i was going to keep it neat and organised, my stuff managed to get EVERYWHERE!! its epic =)
The one bad thing about my room is........................ i have no blinds XD and the sun comes up at 5-5:30... which is when my neighbour decides to have a shower as well... so not only do i have the hot and bright morning sun shining on my face, i can hear the people next door taking a shower... ah well thats city life for you =) i wouldnt have it any other way!!! (except i would like blinds....)
Ive started working =D In in the Deli over in Inglewood, which is on the other side of Perth lol XD which means it takes and hour to get there... first i have to catch a train from Shenton Park to Maylands, and then i have to walk for at least 20 minutes up hills and through the heat of whatever time of day it is, to get to coles... lets just say ive taken to wearing shorts more often XD also i dont mind the walking coz im losing weight!! =D ive lost a few kilos so far im feeling great =D although its gonna suck in winter coz ill have to catch two trains and a bus most days =( unless Global Warming kicks in double time.... which would also suck... anyway, work is pretty okay... never really liked the deli but meh its not that bad... one truly sucky thing is they screwed up my first pay!!! Instead of paying me for the full week off work, they paid me two days!! Becaaaaaaaaaaause, they changed my clock-on number and didnt tell me! LAME!! Ah well, at least im gonna get a massive pay on Wednesday =D but still..... i had plans for that money...
One of which is on Monday =D im seeing Brendan, and we were gonna, well... still gonna try to... go to the Dinosaurs Alive Exhibition at the museum!!! He really likes Dinosaurs and i like them too so its petty cool =) ill blog about it after we go lolage XD basically they are to-scale replicas of dinosaurs... which are motorised!!! AUDIO INCLUDED!!! Its got some awesome reviews as well im very excited =)
Oh yes, to more on Dinosaurs.... Brendan and I have adopted a Velociraptor, which he has named Viktor, and a Stegosaurus, which i named Joshua =) They live in Kings Park at the moment, but we are thinking we are gonna have to move Josh soon so he has fresh food... and Viktor roams Perth at night and eats the Homeless and the Douchbags of Perth =) we figured it was a pretty good deal haha! Which reminds me i have to check up on them when i get back... (in in Duns for Christmas... yay...)
Oh heres something exciting that happened in Perth!!! Andi, Lily and I (they are two of my good friends) met Patrick Wolf!!! And we talked to him!! For a long time!!! =D He's really nice and friendly and we were sooo stoked... but the best part is... HE PUT US ON HIS GUEST LIST!!!! He was to play in Capitol that night, but we couldnt go because it was an 18+ show... it turns out he hated that it was and he took our names and told out manager to put us on his private guest list!!!! ARGH!!! =D it was AWESOME!! Bad news is... Andi and Lily couldnt go =( i tried but stupid me forgot my passport!!! Im and IDIOT!! hahaha but still it was pretty epic just to be on his PRIVATE guest list!! =D im still stoked!! =D
Um Um Um... what else has happened... not much tbqh lol XD You know... one of the best things about living where i am, is walking to the top of the hill i live on each day, and looking out over the trees and roofs... and seeing Perth... in all its wonderful glory =) Truely an awesome city, i dont care what anyone else says... I LOVE PERTH!!!
Okay i want to tell you about Brendan now =) Obviously ive been spending time with him and its amazing =) hes amazing!! Hes so damn funny!!! Im truely blessed in having him =) Ive been over to his house a couple times (HE HAS A POOOOOOL!!!!!!) and hes spent a few nights at mine... we went to SubiFest together and then the movies =) Gah i miss him now =( cant see him til Sunday =( cant believe its been a month already hahahaha XD where did the month go?!?! =P

Okay well i guess thats about it... i just want to say that no matter how great the city is... i still remember and i still miss all my friends down south everyday =( MISS YOU GUYS!!!

xoxo em

Hmm... yeah okay i admit its such a cliche title XD XD haha call me sentimental ;)



Basically this is an update on my life =) Which is going just swell =D



First things first.



Last Saturday, the 28th of November, something amazing happened... Brendan James Hill became my official boyfriend =) aaaahahaha!!! I cannot even BEGIN to describe how magical and happy this makes me feel! ive known him for a couple months now. We met at party one night and went from there. I must admit we had a bit of a silent period, when things changed a lot for us both, but we reconnected and now... yeah =) The only thing was, he lives in Joondalup in Perth, and im still down in good old Dunsborough... LAME!! The good news though, comes a little later in this blog. Right now i just want to gush over him =)

Hes just great. Hes sweet and funny and witty and smart and sexy and a complete loser XD hes strong and protective and tough, though he has an emotional side, which i adore =) its not to easy to find that in men... He also has a very good taste in games ;) MORTAL KOMBAT FTW!! He just cant accept that i kick his arse =P

Oh wait... theres one bad thing about him... and i dont know how im gonna cope with it but its part of what i signed up for. And no matter how terrible and seemingly unforgivable this is, Im choosing to try for as long as im able... The thing is...

He thinks Xbox is better than PS3...

*shakes head slowly*

I admit, its going to be hard not to let this get to me, and im going to try my very hardest to save him from this thought, because PS3 obviously KILLS the Xbox. But the thing is, even with this flaw, i still like him =) it does very very very little to change the fact that he is awesome and im so glad that i met him =)

I often wonder if things would have turned out this way had i stayed ;) he should get that =D

Well, tomorrow i get to see him for the first time in months!!! =D honestly its been at least three months since we last hung out at the beach... =( and i miss him more than i thought i would... well anyway i get to see him tomorrow =) and i get to sing!! I told him on msn webcam one night that i had been dancing around the kitchen singing "I CANT WAIT TIL SAT-UR-DAY!!! I CANT WAIT TIL SAT-UR-DAY!!" and he told me he would like it much more when hes holding me and im singing "IM IN PERTH NOW IN THE ARMS OF MY BOOOOOOYFRIEND!!" i told him i would actually sing that... he told me he would hold me to it ;) Im totally going to call his bluff =D



Okay, onto the reason im seeing him tomorrow, and the other big news i have.

Tomorrow, im moving out of home to the city!!!! =D im moving in with my sister!!! ARGH IT FEELS SOOO GOOOOOOD!!!!!! Ive been waiting so long for this! I just finished school, and now im moving out =) you might be thinking "arnt you a little young and taking this a little to fast?" well no! Yes, im young, and yes it seems fast, but the faster im out the sooner my life can begin i say =) Ill start part time work, relax a little next year, then start looking into acting and theatre. Just getting out of this tiny little tourist trap is what i really need. I need to get away, to get a change of scene, a change of location, a change of life!! I cant wait to see my friends, my sister... my boyfriend ;) I cant wait to start work, to have my own real income, to pay bills, to cook my own dinner, to rely on myself... yeah i know it'll take a few weeks to get settled, and at first it might not seem that great, but honestly... i think this is exactly what i need. Life down here has become so unbearable... the limitations, the same thing over and over... at least in the city there will always be some unexplored crevice... down here ive seen everything so many times it makes me sick...

The bad thing is... im leaving so many people behind... my family, my friends, my co workers... my Internet... (thats right, i wont have the net for a couple of weeks *shock horror* but ill get it as soon as i can...) im going to miss all the people down here, and even though ill be down to visit occasionally, i'll always miss them.

Especially my newer friends... Jammeson for instance. I had a thing with his brother a couple months ago, which kinda collapsed after he was a complete douchbag. But even though things with me and him didnt work out, i made a great friend in Jammeson. Yeah, hes younger than me, but so? We skate and talk and joke and have a great time =) i kinda regret not getting to know him sooner, as we only started really talking a couple weeks ago...

Another new(er) friend is Josh. Man, im really, really going to miss Josh especially after january. I have a very, very strong feeling im never going to see him again... I tried to arrange to meet up with him before i left, but i guess he was too busy.... The thing with Josh is... well, i dont know what the thing with Josh is... im just going to miss him, so much. Josh, if you read this, i miss you, and i hope you find everything you're looking for in life and at the army... Im gonna miss your rhino face...

And i promise, if i make it, ill send you a post card xoxo

You probably think im being dramatic. Well, maybe i am, thats just who i am, which is why im gonna go for the theatre life. I dont really care if i am dramatic. Id rather be dramatic and say everything i want to say, than be whatever the oppisite to dramatic is and have a life of regrets.

That said i want to move on down my friends list.

Noah. I love you. Not in the "I love you so much, i always have, marry me" kind of way, but in the way someone loves someone who has nothing in common with them, except the mutual feelings towards Jess Shirley. You have always been more of a friend than i deserve, and though i know ill be seeing you again, i just want to make that clear. I also wish to remind you that we have a book to write. And im keeping the title whether you help to write it or not. No matter what happened between you two, it simply cannot be called anything else.

Sam, even though i doubt you will even read this, i want to thank you. I should have listened to you about Reuben, i should have valued your opinion more than i did, and im sorry. You have been nothing other than a good friend to me, and you helped to make my years 11 and 12 bearable. I know i wasnt the best friend at times, and im sorry for that, but i just want to wish you luck in Queensland, and in the rest of your life. Ill never forget you.

Ill never forget you either Bronwen. Yeah i know we werent too close, but you made maths and physics that much more interesting. Thankyou for that.

Simon... well what can i say XD i know for certian that ill be seeing you again, i just want to say thankyou. For everything. For always being there, for always being such a good friend, for accepting me so easliy, i hope you understand that ill always call you my brother. No matter what happens. I dont know if i ever told you this before, but that night at Jame's party, when i got totally hammered and ended up crying on your shoulder... you actually saved my life. I was on my way down to the beach to try and drown myself... you stopped me. I owe you for that. More than i could ever repay.

And finally... the one, the only... Pleb =) even the thought of you and your doofy face make me smile =) you will always be the Pleb to me, and i will never forget you. I really hope we stay connected after i move... after all, thats why you got a facebook account =D

I dont know why i just wrote all of that. I guess i just felt i had to let it all out. Maybe im taking this move a little too seriously, or maybe im just scared of losing the ones i hold dear to me. God knows ive already lost enough...



So now i must go. ill try to be back online as soon as i can. To every one of my friends... i love you. No matter what our history is, no matter how i know you, why i know you, whatever. I Love You All... and thankyou for being in my life <3>.



Emily <3



Ps. Natalie... NOOTS AND RAISINS!!!!!!! =D =D =D =D =D

Trapped outside the world you want

so close you can feel his breath on the wind

You can never reach him again,

never hold him in your arms as you long to



You try so hard to touch his skin,

to reach ahead and take him as you wish

He knows you're there

You know he doesn't want you as you want him



The pain is crippling, deep inside

clawing at your chest in a desperate attempt to show itself

Yet you hold it back and know that even if he saw

it wouldn't make a difference



You know you should give up on him

You had your time, you must admit its gone

Unwilling to let it go, it felt so good to

fall asleep in his arms and know you were safe



Anguish



Loosing sleep at night as you think about his rest

Unfair, unjust maybe, its true

Yet you love the fact that he sleeps soundlessly

At least you hope beyond hope that he does



You mouth is dry, your throat is choking

you're suffocating at the thought that you are unwanted

unloved

unseen

unheard

by the one person you care most for



Agony becomes more than a word



Drowning takes on new meaning



At times you want to float away

let the pain engulf your every aspect

please just not one more moment of this yearning

anything to stop the tears



your mind is blank when you realise that even if he sees this, even if he knows how much feeling you hold in your heart, how much he is loved for all that he is...



...He wouldn't care

so i guess i should write something before the end of october...

dunno about you guys but my october sucked. i mean it reeeeeeally sucked. i gained, and i lost, and i lost more than i had in the first place, which doesnt even make sense!

so id write more but you'd probably just think im an attention seeking emo kid with scene hair and smokers lung... so byebye you got your october blog.

yeah... so i just wrote out a long blog about my feelings lol XDX decided not to post it... coz im cowardly like that XD

soooo instead im gonna talk about my new clothes =P

basically they arent new XD my sis just chucked a fuckload of clothes on my floor and said "here to go" which is good enough for me XD

cooooooz amongst the pile were these EPIC GREEN SHORT SHORTS!!! MY WORD I LOOOOOOVE THEM!!! im gonna wear the green out of them =P only i need suspenders XD XD anyone know where i can get a pair?!?!?! =D =D dude they are epic!

in other news i feel like being a plane today =) aaaand im over tired cozi stayed on the phone for almost 6 ours last night/this morning... =D fun fun...

aaaaand i wish it was wednesday.... I WANT WEDNESDAY!!!! *hmph*

also im a kitty =) apparently... according to my brain XD XD

ooooh no XD im getting emotional XD im going to go before i post something ill regret XD XD even thought thats impossible considering i dont regret things XD XD but even so... it might make me feel bad lol!!!!

im off =)

WAIT!!!

one last thing...

I LOVE JADE PUGET TOM STURRIDGE AND PARKWAY DRIVE!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

first blog in a while... i finally have something to blog about...



A lot can happen in a short time... things can change... things can grow... things can die and things can even out to what they should have been all along. Other things are inevitable. Horrible, painful, unavoidable truths that are yet to come.



The most painful thing is knowing that it cant happen. Not even for the short time we have. There is little i wouldnt give, even just for those few months... I cant think of anything else. I only see the memories.

It hurts... no one has ever looked at me the way he did... it was so different to anything ive ever experienced... maybe i just havent experienced enough... maybe im right... maybe... maybe there's too many maybes in this situation, too many speculations, too many wonderings. Too many hopes, too many thoughts...



One thing i know for sure is im insanely selfish.

Im sorry...

Okay well... i havent blogged for a while... dunno why.. so im gonna try now =)
and most probably fail dismally.

yeah, i fail XD
the only thin i can think of to write is this:

Life sucks. Emotions suck, feelings suck. Aaaaand im feeling much MUCH stronger than i thought i would be... aaaand its taking its toll... buuut theres nothing i can do. i tried and failed.
I fail a lot more than i let on.

irresistible.

On the surface a ripple appears... created by a drop that fell from heights unknown...
The mirror of hiding is forever broken... the ocean of sadness open for all to see...
Threes no one there...

Shakespeare once wrote "It is better to have Loved and Lost, than to have never Loved at All."

But what about those who love someone with a raging and desperate passion that even they cant explain... but have to live with the knowledge that by their own actions and words... they can never be with them?

Thats how im living now.

Every day i feel like im falling deeper and deeper into a depression that i cant handle... its my fault. Its all my fault... Im getting desperate... i need and escape... but there is no escape... only blogs that dont help... and the constant pain of loving what i cant have.

New definition of life. Pain.

Heyhey!!

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For example, you might have noticed the new layout of my blog XD weeeell ive put my SocialVibe banner riiiiight at the top so you can notice it better =) under that is a little pink thing that takes you to the website =) CLICK IT NOW!! lol honestly your helping people and it takes noooo time at all and its so easy and its just awesome XD so gogogogogogog!!!!

thanks people!!! =D

yes well... im all over the place right now.

Does life actually have a point? If it does then someone enlighten me please XD at the moment it feels like... see thats the thing... i have so many feelings flying around they've blurred into emotional numbness... the only thing i know is that things are just getting to be too much. Its just too much.
One day soon, im going to break.
Ha, i just described what i feel like to a mate... i feel like im boarder-line explosive depression...
yeah i think thats my problem. Depression.
You know the sucky thing though? I was looking up councillors and stuff earlier... damn people are sooooo expensive!!!! so even if i thought it would help i wouldnt have been able to afford it XD isnt that handy XD XD XD XD

well fuck this. fuck this whole life thing. Im thinking ill just retreat into a shell inside my head =) where life doesnt exist =)

Its said that the very basic instinct that all living creatures have is the instinct to survive. But what does surviving actually encompass? Many will say that survival is all about being alive. Keeping your heart pumping and your body healthy, maintain vital signs all that jazz. And yeah, i guess that is the basic definition.
There is so much more to survival than physical life.
In order to survive a day, for example, people have to stay alive (ie not die) and they have to overcome problems. Most people have to deal with stress and strain, pressure, difficult choices, annoyances, depression, losses, gains etc. And isn't dealing with these things the same as surviving them? Maybe, or maybe the word surviving is too strong. So lets be specific.
When someone is faced with something that threatens who they are as person. Such as when a dramatic change or a horrible emotional hurt that affects every aspect of their life. Or when something happens to put a person under incredible amounts of stress. Or when something really depressing happens in a persons life. Can dealing with things of this magnitude, and being able to maintain identity, therefore be called survival?
We are all shaped by what we are exposed to. From the very instant of birth, we are influenced by what we see, what we hear, what those around as do. Then, at some stage during our life, we develop a general personality, and an identity. Doesn't it then make sense that if something life-altering occurs, then our identity can again be influenced? Is it then survival to overcome a life-altering or an extreme emotionally challenging occurrence while maintaining the identity we shaped for ourselves previously?
If so, then someone write me an emotional obituary note <3

Okay, well ive calmed down somewhat...
People who read my blogs, if there is anyone, expect them to become a lot less frequent and a lot less specific. Lately ive been blogging about whatever it was that Reuben and I had, and if you hadnt figured that out yet well then, there you go.
Ha, at first i thought it was hilarious how we used our blogs as a medium to communicate... although we also said pretty much the same stuff straight up to each other. Either way im not blogging about him anymore. Ever. No matter what happens, even though i know exactly what that is.
Anyway long story short, whatever it was that we had obviously isnt good enough for him so fuck it. If he wants to spend his life trying to keep something that died a long time ago alive, he can go right ahead. Im not gonna beg or plead, and when it all goes pear shaped again, im not gonna be here. I refuse to get myself back into that hopeless situation. Sure, after a while if he wants to try and be friends, fine. But thats it.
Actually, the rest of this blog is just gonna be me ranting about what a fuckhead he is. Or at least, how much of a fuckhead he is being.
I dont understand where i went wrong.
I stole a webcam for him, I bought a new phone so he could call me, I ditched my mates so i could hang out with him (something that never happened btw) i lost sleep worrying about him, i lost sleep thinking about him, i got into fights with my mates over him... i fucking love him. I really do, i love him. But then, he doesnt want that. No he wants the ex. He's always wanted the fucking ex.
Fuck i feel like such an IDIOT. Mainly because i believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he blogged "But on a serious note, me and holly wont ever have anything happen again"
Nah, i can see that (Y)
AND THEN he says "im sorry for leading you on..."
YEAH IM SURE YOU FUCKING ARE.
"either way its really not much fun for the person its happening too somtimes you cant change whats happening and i understand when that happens… but im sorry but this time they knew perfectly well as well… i guess sometimes the words “i love you” dont actually have meaning…."
Amen Reuben.
Thats it people. Thats as much as im gonna write about him from now on.
Fuck him.

Wow and he thinks HE was the one being fucked around.
Well, i have a message for him.
Reuben, i love you, but fuck you mate.
Cheers for the ride.
Now go fuck yourself.

I dont understand people, i reall dont.
Especially the ones with double fucking standards. Here i am, putting in genuine effort, and they keep chaning their mind and doing this and then doing something else and FUCK. its just going all over the fucking place. Why the hell am i still in this thing? Oh wait, thats why, becuase i actually mean what i fucking say!
Oh no wait, they do to... i guess we have different definitons.
Fuck it i cant be fucked writing anymore. Ill write more later.

Okay, well ive had a pretty shit night...
First off, ive been sick for the past week. Ive had a really horrible sore throat, a chest cough, fevers and a runny nose on and off for the past six or seven days. I was cooped up at home last week til Friday when i went to Perth for the night. The thing is, its really bad in the mornings and at night, but it gets better in the day...
ANYWAY the point is...
I coughed, and my brother, who was annoyed at me for some reason, decided to be a smart arse again and sneered "that cough isnt very convincing... you should work on it" and implied that i was faking. NOW my mother also thinks im faking. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I FAKE SICK?!?! IM NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF ANYTHING SO WHATS TEH FUCKING POINT!?!?! Im sitting here feeling liek SHIT and now becuase of my brother, my own mother doesnt trust me. IT WAS HER WHO THOUGHT THAT I HAD FUCKING SWINE FLU!!! URGH IM SO SICK OF HER ALWAYS CHANGING HER FUCKING MIND!!
ONTO ANOTHER THING!
On mondays, i have the afternoon free beucase of Guidence. The school as a policy that allows students with guidence as a fifth period to leave school early. SO me and my mate went into town to get a pie, and my sister saw me. NOW they both think im wagging!! BUT the thing is... I FUCKING TOLD THEM BOTH ABOUT THE SCHOOL POLICY!!! a couple of times actually!!! I explained the fucking thing to my mum and asked if it was okay and she said "yeah, its fine as long as you can get home..." FUCK!!
so now, my own mother doesnt trust me.
FUCK IM SO SICK OF THIS. What do you do when your own MOTHER doesnt trust you anymore?? and with something so simple as a fucking school period?!?! Urgh!! And my sister doesnt help!!! always fucking telling EVERYONE EVERYTHING!!!

JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! FOR FUCKS FUCKING SAKE IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!!
I tell you what as soon as im out of here in Nov... ill keep in contact but thats IT!! im fucking GONE!!
FUCKING HURRY UP NOVEMBER!!!

Well im certainly feeling better =) just read something that made me smile =)

Kinda relieved i thought id fucked things up completely... and for a while i did.... but now it seems to have settled down and is getting back on track...
However, im thinking of slowing things down still. I mean, theres still a ways to go, and theres no point charging straight into it without thinking.
OR maybe im thinking too much. But then see, theres more people involved than normal. Things are pretty fragile, and i admitt i still have my doubts at times. Not all the time but sometimes i can help it...
Either way, I love him, and im willing to wait. I just hope he is too. Coz regardless of things, i care about the other people involved.
Thats whats frusturating XD or more exasperating... ive been waiting for him to ask me XD hahaha ive been considering asking him XD XD but then he'd probably say no XD XD otherwise he would have asked me already yeah? >>;] so im just gonna wait XD XD
this is a random blog XD XD im not normally this random XD XD ah well, im in a good mood =)

Im thinking ill post something normal later but for now im off XD XD have a good one loyal readers XD XD all six of you XD BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Y)

love you =)

"There is no right or wrong. there are only consequences for our actions."

So true. Im learning this one the hard way...
Im guessing its back to heartbreak now. Once again, all my fault. Screwed up something that was indescribable... and in one night... poof. Gone. Maybe, most probably i wouldnt be surprised.
That was probably the only thing i said on the weekend that wasnt a lie. Im an emotional masochist. Almost the point of Obsessive Compulsive. Im already emotionally fucked, but if i get the chance to make it worse, then i just cant help myself... i just cant. I regret it later, but at the time its something different.
Thats pretty much what happened this time.
Im fucked up emotionally from my last relationship. I mean, really fucked up people dont realise how badly im actually screwed. Then, on the weekend i was presented with an opportunity to completely FUCK something new i was experiencing with one of the most amazing guys i know. I took it. I was screaming at myself to stop, and i almost did, but my competitive nature and my mentally fucked ways just got the better of me. Now, when all the cards have been thrown on the table... well, now i realise what an arse ive been. Now i see how bad things have actually become, all because of me and my fucked-ness.
So, now im about to lose something that makes me happiest. And, im getting exactly what i wanted... which i fucking hate. I dont want this, i dont want any of this to happen, but it is, and i know that it was what i was anticipating on the weekend when i made my choice.
People, im fucked.
I have fights with myself i have almost full on wars in my head... I do things that create disaster, and even though i dont want it, i know that i do. I want what i dont want, and i do things to bring about what i dont want because i want it! So what the fuck do i actually want?!?! I understand a lot of things in life, and my own thoughts and my own mental state is defiantly not one of them. I fucking hate myself, i hate what i do i hate how i live i hate how i cant help doing things i know will hurt myself as well as other people... I FUCKING HATE IT!
Im a fuckwit... things would be so much better if i just left. i think thats what ill do actually... i think ill just leave. Then i cant hurt anyone else.

i say too much. that is all.

Well... i feel like crap.
Woke up feeling like crap, sore throat, cough, fever, headaches... (all the symptoms of swine flu lucky me...) Then things started getting better... had the house to myself, got to listen to music at full volume (wasnt helping my headache but it was IAMX and Parkway Drive... so worth it) and ive been on facebook and tweetdeck all day socialising with friends. When facebook was in a down time due to friends being normal human beings and not being on facebook, i took the chance to stalk someone.
Someone amazing.
I havent known him very long, but my God he is fantastic. Looking through pictures and a very funny video, ive come to realise how much i actually miss him. I havent seen him in a week and a half, which really isnt that long, but i miss him. Can you blame me? I love the guy.
However, im pretty sure i have fucked things up beyond repair for us... if there was ever going to be an us. I dont know how, and i dont know why, but i just have that feeling you get when you know somethings slipping away from you, and theres nothing you can do about it. So i guess its back to heartbreak for me. Bet thats gonna be fun on the bun.
You see, ive been an idiot lately. A naive idiot. I feel terrible though. I cant trust anyone, including him, even though i want to so badly... I cant even trust my mates trying to help me and give me advice. What do you do when you cant trust anyone? And now... i cant be with him for a while... it hard to explain why... but i just cant... unless we dont tell anyone. But then, i cant be with him if i cant trust him.
What i need now is a party of some sort. Parties are fun coz i can be a complete idiot and people put it down to intoxication. Seriously, you can do almost anything its great. Although, i must admit, some of the intoxicated choice i make arnt that good... but then thats why you have to be intoxicated when you make them! Its a cycle you see.
I make brilliant choices, really i do.
But, the bad thing is im sick. AND if im still sick by Saturday then i cant go to a party for about four weeks, unless i hear about one before the next one. If i cant go Saturday... im pretty sure im gonna cry. Geez, my opinions on parties have changed so much... ive changed so much... ever since my last relationship ended... I dont know why i guess i have nothing to stop me now... Ive always wanted to party and dance and be an idiot, but i never did because i didnt want to lose him. Now its over i have nothing to hold me back... i know i know that sounds horrible... he wasnt really holding me back at all... its hard to explain, and i dont want to make it even worse, so im not even going to try.
I just found out i cant talk to Mr Amazing til about 8... so i need to find something to do between now and then that doesn't involve dying.
Wish me luck.
Its too bad that luck doesn't exist.

Well... i havent really had much to blog about recently... which really sucks...
maybe im trying to be to witty and opinionated with these blogs... am i taking it to seriously?? i have no idea... wasnt that the original point to blogs?
oh well... im gonna try something... im just gonna write randomly about my weekend...

weekend was interesting to say the least XD XD Saturday was fucking EPIC!!
went to a mates party... got just a tad intoxicated XD XD
well... yeah stuff happened... nothing bad just stuff... kinda made things a tad awkward... but fucking hilarious XD XD it was truely and epic night XD XD AAAAAND im gonna be doing it all again next weekend by the sounds of it... another mates party... more drunkenness... more bad choices XD XD gonna rule XD BUT hopefully some more of my mates will be there sooooo.... maybe ill do a bit more dancing this time XD XD

OH EM GEE DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE CHICKEN?!?!?!

There was a fucking CHICKEN on the dance floor XD XD that was a total WIN!!! also, a window was broken, a coffee table was broken, and arm and a thumb were broken, there were masses of cans and bottles EVERYWHERE, shampoo, Clearasil and soap ALL over the bathroom and sakatas EVERYWHERE!! (i mean EVERYWHERE)... it was fantastic XD XD awesome night LOVED it... mostly XD

Sunday was hilariously awkward XD XD XD a) i was hungover at work and b)... yeah XD XD hahahahahahahahaaha total brilliance XD XD

all in all it was a great weekend.... BRING ON NEXT SATURDAY!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

<3

There's a question that many people have debated and pondered for many years. I'm not sure where it originated from, but it doesn't really matter. The question is this:

People tell me I'm a walking oxymoron. Ive given up trying to argue that point.
Take for example, my outlook on sense. Common sense, things that don't make sense, things that do make sense. I like things that make sense. Making sense is secure, safe. Its just as it should be basically. Things that don't make sense i find interesting. Why don't they make sense? What makes them not make sense? How would it be if they did make sense? Interesting thought patterns come from that which doesn't make sense.
I don't make sense.
I always contradict myself, my opinions cancel each other out, my phrases, while they may suit the situation, don't seem to make any sense at all until i explain them to whoever sticks around long enough to listen. Take for example my outlook on commitment...
I don't see relationships at this age commitments (or at any age really considering today's relationship stats) because i see a commitment as something you cant walk away from. The stats i was talking about say otherwise when it comes to relationships of any age or type. People leave each other all the time, and while it hurts like hell, it happens. A true commitment you cant just walk away from. BUT at the same time as I'm thinking this, I'm worrying myself crazy over the fact that the person I'm falling (very fast) for, who has told me he loves me, is hesitant when it actually comes to being together officially. I cant help but think that because we aren't actually together, the risk of losing him is massively increased, despite me knowing its not much more than a name. I know, I know, its stupid, and it doesn't make sense and its things like this that don't make sense that i don't like.
(Are you seeing my point about me being a walking contradiction as well as not making any sense yet?)
I'm driving myself insane. There are other things i think about in this fashion, politics, war, all the "important" things. Sometimes i cant stand being in my own head, and there's very little i wouldn't do just to be free of my own thoughts for a while. To have peace and quiet. A break from the arguments i have with myself.
Hmmm... i guess I'm not very good at staying on topic either.
The point is, i contradict my own opinions, i don't make sense to myself so how can i make sense to others, and i cant stand being inside my own head at times. Like right now. Can someone please just tell me how to stop this?
I'm sick of being so tired.

Weekends are insightful things... apparently.

Spent a night with friends, hanging out, being idiots, the usual. Just being kids. We really don't have much time to be kids. Not enough by any ones standards. So kid it up while you can. Stay out late, spend all your money, laugh til you cry, cry til you laugh all of that. But play it safe. Always play it safe. Trust me with one thing, trust me with that.
The weekend is three hours from over for me. Not a cheery thought. But such is life. I'm not sure if I'm sad, or happy to see it gone though. Sad to farewell the fun times, and the major revelation that i awoke to at about three o'clock this morning. Happy to see the confusion that has riddled my life for the past few weeks slowly tick away with the clock. Somewhat angry to find that more confusion is slowly creeping in.
What is it that i want most in life?
Wait... no i know the answer to that. I have all along. Okay so...
Whats the thing i want most in life AFTER what i really want most in life?
(See what i mean about the confusion part? Too many convoluted questions and not enough simple answers...)
But then i guess that has a simple answer to. I want what I'm being denied. Isn't that what everyone wants though? They want what they cant have? I finally figured it out, and i finally worked up the courage to say something Ive been trying to deny out of either caution or stupidity ( i haven't decided yet), and then I'm denied it... but then, as i said before... such is life.

A lot of people in my life have uttered the three words in a such a particular order that never really had me thinking about the meaning of such a phrase. Already i can tell you that a majority of people will be thinking of the three simple words that automatically spring to mind when one mentions "those three words". I'm sorry to disappoint, but i am obligated to tell you that those words are not the three words that have started these quizzical thoughts that do so run through my mind, although they in themselves are quiet important. I shall talk in further depth to those words when the main interest of this discussion has been clarified and contemplated. So now, i trust you are wondering what three words i am typing about. What other "three words" are there? Let me inform you that there are a great many "three words" in this life of ours. In fact, i just typed one of those words now. i am indeed talking about the phrase

whats so confusing about this? you may ask. I shall tell you. Define "well." I attempt to answer to such a request by answering that in this instance, the word "well" depends upon the individuals personal interpretation of the values, beliefs, morals and opportunities presented in this world today, tomorrow and in the past. So why do people insist we "live life well" and then question our actions on such a request? Hypocrisy perhaps? Or more, unfair judgment? Why request that one "live life well" and then question their definition of the term? I shall leave you to ponder or dismiss this potential contemplation.I shall move on to the other "three words", or more accurately, what they stand for.


Debatabley the strongest word in every human language. but what is it really? Love. An emotion felt by those who feel it. Yet how do you know what you feel? if love is different for every person, then how does one define the concept of love defiantly? Of course, there is the attraction, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, yet when does attraction and care blossom into love? When you feel for a particular person more that you feel for others? If it hurts so much to be away that you don't know how you can still breathe in and out? When it hurts to be with them because you know that eventually you will part again? According to life in general, love hurts, but they don't clarify what pain it is one feels when in love. Is this pain physical, emotional, mental... or a combination of all perhaps?So when does love become obsession? Is it possible for one to go beyond those confusing feelings of love to become so crazed with longing that a sense of creepiness enters the equation?
I'm not to sure where others stand with these issues. I myself have come to a conclusion on the issue of "love" and i am here to tell you that

a) I have felt what i believe to be love before and
b) for reasons i cannot describe, and therefore cannot compare.

For those of you who read this and disregard it as a lonely girls twisted thoughts of a empty romance with her cyber personality, i am disappointed. For those of you consider those things which i have mentioned, thank you.

Its funny how we seem to be immune to our own emotion. We think we feel something, then when something beyond our control happens to bring the object of our emotion to light, we realise that our feelings are either more or less intense than we knew. Or, at least that is whats happening to me now.
I knew that i felt something, i knew that i enjoyed the feeling. Now, when the object has been taken away from me, the feelings have morphed into something different. A disapointement much heavier than i first thought it would be. Ive been without before, and each time was like a new weight to the heart, but each weight was bareable, cureable. Why now, then, do i feel so crushed?
I guess i feel more than i thought i did. More than I allowed myself to know. That makes sense.
Guilt has been a big part of the feelings for the object. I only recently lost what i loved, and already new feelings have arisen. Lies? No. Not lies. Never lies. Perhaps simply too soon? However, if it was too soon, then how to i feel what i feel in the first place? Maybe Im Masochistic? Feeling love for what hurts the most... what cuts the deepest. Perhaps. But now is what i know, and what i know is what i feel towards him. What i feel towards the knowledge that i cant have him. And that is what hurts the most.

Why is it that sleep can provoke thoughts?
Right now, im watching someone sleep. Are they dreaming? Do they remember the world outside their closed eyes? They look so innocent in sleep, and to watch them now is to see a different side to them. I know them as a friend, when they are awake. I know their voice, their likes and dislikes, their tendencies and habits, interests and opinions. Watching them now, as they slumber unaware of their audience, i can see that they are fragile. I see the creases in their brow and wonder if they worry. I see the grinding of their teeth and wonder if they are frustrated. Why the twitch of the eye? Are they aware of their own vulnerability?
We are all the same in sleep.
Opinions hold no ground, as we cannot argue. Grudges melt, as we forget our anger. Love fades away, as emotion cannot exist in sleep. Dreams take hold, the random array of our lives, in a jumbled mix of sound and picture. Some try to make sense of the scenes that keep us captive in sleep. To which i see no point.
It is interesting to watch one that you care for sleep.
They are vulnerable, i want to protect them. They move, i wonder what they are seeing. I feel gentler towards the sleeping friend then i ever have before.
Do others think of this, as they watched loved ones sleep? Or am i alone?
Does anyone watch me sleep, and wonder?

Isnt it strange to think about strangers? You see people every day, people that you dont know anything about. In the streets, in the news, in photos and magazines. Even celebrities. Ever stopped to think about the fact that they have a life? They have experiences, they have their own family, friends, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams. Or maybe then dont. Thats the thing, you dont know, thats why they are strangers.
Its funny, i see pictures of people on the net, and i think about this. I wonder what their name is, i wonder where they come from, i wonder if they sit up late at night and think about their life. I wonder what they have been through i wonder what kind of people they know i wonder what their opinions and views of the world are. I compare them to me. I know my own life, i know my name, i know where i come from, i know what ive been through. Is it anything like what they know? Do they fight with their family and friends as much as they love them too? Do they have thoughts about someone they like, and feel sad and scared at the thought like me? Are they a thrill seeker? Have they been hurt? Maybe they share my fragile emotional state? Maybe they were also affected by that beautiful yet horrible thing called love? Do they have anger and trust issues like me? And most importantly. Do they think about people like me as im thinking about them? Do they shed a thought when they see a picture on the net?
I sit here, and im hearing my own family. Im hearing my sisters boyfriend talking to my mother in the kitchen. I hear my brother playing a game on a game console behind me. There is an empty tea mug next to me, and my wallet on the computer tower. There is only what i know. But out there right at this very instance, there are other people. There are sleeping people, there are waking people. There are people dying and people being born. There are children at school, and young adults at university. There are people laughing, there are people crying. Right now. And im sitting here writing about them. Right. Now.

Love is a bitch. Tell you that much for free. But when your feeling it, and the object of your affection is feeling it back, its the most amazing feeling in the world. Until it ends. Then its really horrible. However, there are some lucky ones for whom love does not end. There are also some very unlucky ones for whom love again, does not end. I think im somewhere in between. I promised my ex i would love him for longer than eternity, and even if I had a choice with that, i wouldnt take it back. We had an amazing year together, one I will never forget, one I will always cherish. But forgetting something and moving on from something are two totally different concepts. Your forget things you dont love, and you forget things you dont hold dear to you. But you can love something, and move on from it at the same time. I do cherish what i had with my ex, and i do hold him, and what we had close to my heart, but i have to move on from it. We all get times when we have to move on, its a fact of life, and trust me i know how hard it is. I know, I know its harder for others, and its harder depending upon the situation, but the fact is i know its hard. But its okay. Im learning that slowly.

Ive met someone.

Else.

I didnt know him when i was still with my ex, i met him about two weeks after he broke up with me. I cant describe him. Honestly. Hes great and lots of fun. Completely random and spontanious. He really is an amazing guy. And i must admitt, i do have feelings for him. We arnt together, but somehow i dont think we need to be at the moment. I dont know how our friendship is affecting him, but i can tell you he is helping me a lot. Hes helping me see that i can have fun hanging out with other guys, and hes helping me come to terms with the fact that i can move on, and im allowed to move on.

I feel incredibally guilty though. It really hasnt been that long since my ex broke up with me. Have i moved on too soon? Have i moved on at all? Am i just using this "new guy"? If i am i dont mean to. Its confusing, becuase i cant deny that i do like him. I like him a lot more than he knows, a lot more than anyone knows. But then theres the ex thing. Now i know im not in love with him anymore, now i know that i can live without him by my side and im fine with him as just a friend, it makes sense that id be able to move on and persue my feelings for the "new guy" right? But is it too soon? Am i shallow? I feel so terrible. But how do you know when its been long enough? What marks a sufficiant time period? Is that in itself shallow? To one day wake up and think "hmm.. its been long enough id say, time to get back out there and find a boyfriend?" wow even that sounds shallow... "find a boyfriend" as in the entire point of a relationship is purely to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, which of course its not. Its about feelings, and having fun, and trusting the person to look after you and care for you and cherish you as much as you love, care for and cherish them.

I guess thats another thing. Truuuuust me, i had NO intention of getting onto something like this, ANYTHING even REMOTELY like this. I told myself i wouldnt jump straight into another relationship although technically im not in one. Does that make me a hypocrite?!?! I dont know. But the thing is, im having a really, really, really hard time trusting this guy. I really cant deny it. Theres some indications that i havent actually moved on. I mean, i had trust issues before my ex, but now... i cant even trust myself. I cant trust anyone. Im not scared of falling in love again, but i dont really want to becuase i dont want to hurt like that again. Is that unfair to the "new guy"? Im so emotionally fucked that if he really does love me, as he already told me he does, he'll be missing out. How long will he stick around then? I can completely understand if he doesnt want to, i cant blame him with my mood swings and sudden bouts of depression... maybe thats another thing to do with my trust issues. i dont know. Its confusing.
But for now i choose to wait.