The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

Well... i feel like crap.
Woke up feeling like crap, sore throat, cough, fever, headaches... (all the symptoms of swine flu lucky me...) Then things started getting better... had the house to myself, got to listen to music at full volume (wasnt helping my headache but it was IAMX and Parkway Drive... so worth it) and ive been on facebook and tweetdeck all day socialising with friends. When facebook was in a down time due to friends being normal human beings and not being on facebook, i took the chance to stalk someone.
Someone amazing.
I havent known him very long, but my God he is fantastic. Looking through pictures and a very funny video, ive come to realise how much i actually miss him. I havent seen him in a week and a half, which really isnt that long, but i miss him. Can you blame me? I love the guy.
However, im pretty sure i have fucked things up beyond repair for us... if there was ever going to be an us. I dont know how, and i dont know why, but i just have that feeling you get when you know somethings slipping away from you, and theres nothing you can do about it. So i guess its back to heartbreak for me. Bet thats gonna be fun on the bun.
You see, ive been an idiot lately. A naive idiot. I feel terrible though. I cant trust anyone, including him, even though i want to so badly... I cant even trust my mates trying to help me and give me advice. What do you do when you cant trust anyone? And now... i cant be with him for a while... it hard to explain why... but i just cant... unless we dont tell anyone. But then, i cant be with him if i cant trust him.
What i need now is a party of some sort. Parties are fun coz i can be a complete idiot and people put it down to intoxication. Seriously, you can do almost anything its great. Although, i must admit, some of the intoxicated choice i make arnt that good... but then thats why you have to be intoxicated when you make them! Its a cycle you see.
I make brilliant choices, really i do.
But, the bad thing is im sick. AND if im still sick by Saturday then i cant go to a party for about four weeks, unless i hear about one before the next one. If i cant go Saturday... im pretty sure im gonna cry. Geez, my opinions on parties have changed so much... ive changed so much... ever since my last relationship ended... I dont know why i guess i have nothing to stop me now... Ive always wanted to party and dance and be an idiot, but i never did because i didnt want to lose him. Now its over i have nothing to hold me back... i know i know that sounds horrible... he wasnt really holding me back at all... its hard to explain, and i dont want to make it even worse, so im not even going to try.
I just found out i cant talk to Mr Amazing til about 8... so i need to find something to do between now and then that doesn't involve dying.
Wish me luck.
Its too bad that luck doesn't exist.