The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

Love is a bitch. Tell you that much for free. But when your feeling it, and the object of your affection is feeling it back, its the most amazing feeling in the world. Until it ends. Then its really horrible. However, there are some lucky ones for whom love does not end. There are also some very unlucky ones for whom love again, does not end. I think im somewhere in between. I promised my ex i would love him for longer than eternity, and even if I had a choice with that, i wouldnt take it back. We had an amazing year together, one I will never forget, one I will always cherish. But forgetting something and moving on from something are two totally different concepts. Your forget things you dont love, and you forget things you dont hold dear to you. But you can love something, and move on from it at the same time. I do cherish what i had with my ex, and i do hold him, and what we had close to my heart, but i have to move on from it. We all get times when we have to move on, its a fact of life, and trust me i know how hard it is. I know, I know its harder for others, and its harder depending upon the situation, but the fact is i know its hard. But its okay. Im learning that slowly.

Ive met someone.

Else.

I didnt know him when i was still with my ex, i met him about two weeks after he broke up with me. I cant describe him. Honestly. Hes great and lots of fun. Completely random and spontanious. He really is an amazing guy. And i must admitt, i do have feelings for him. We arnt together, but somehow i dont think we need to be at the moment. I dont know how our friendship is affecting him, but i can tell you he is helping me a lot. Hes helping me see that i can have fun hanging out with other guys, and hes helping me come to terms with the fact that i can move on, and im allowed to move on.

I feel incredibally guilty though. It really hasnt been that long since my ex broke up with me. Have i moved on too soon? Have i moved on at all? Am i just using this "new guy"? If i am i dont mean to. Its confusing, becuase i cant deny that i do like him. I like him a lot more than he knows, a lot more than anyone knows. But then theres the ex thing. Now i know im not in love with him anymore, now i know that i can live without him by my side and im fine with him as just a friend, it makes sense that id be able to move on and persue my feelings for the "new guy" right? But is it too soon? Am i shallow? I feel so terrible. But how do you know when its been long enough? What marks a sufficiant time period? Is that in itself shallow? To one day wake up and think "hmm.. its been long enough id say, time to get back out there and find a boyfriend?" wow even that sounds shallow... "find a boyfriend" as in the entire point of a relationship is purely to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, which of course its not. Its about feelings, and having fun, and trusting the person to look after you and care for you and cherish you as much as you love, care for and cherish them.

I guess thats another thing. Truuuuust me, i had NO intention of getting onto something like this, ANYTHING even REMOTELY like this. I told myself i wouldnt jump straight into another relationship although technically im not in one. Does that make me a hypocrite?!?! I dont know. But the thing is, im having a really, really, really hard time trusting this guy. I really cant deny it. Theres some indications that i havent actually moved on. I mean, i had trust issues before my ex, but now... i cant even trust myself. I cant trust anyone. Im not scared of falling in love again, but i dont really want to becuase i dont want to hurt like that again. Is that unfair to the "new guy"? Im so emotionally fucked that if he really does love me, as he already told me he does, he'll be missing out. How long will he stick around then? I can completely understand if he doesnt want to, i cant blame him with my mood swings and sudden bouts of depression... maybe thats another thing to do with my trust issues. i dont know. Its confusing.
But for now i choose to wait.