The wonderings of Me, SpaggyB

Its funny how we seem to be immune to our own emotion. We think we feel something, then when something beyond our control happens to bring the object of our emotion to light, we realise that our feelings are either more or less intense than we knew. Or, at least that is whats happening to me now.
I knew that i felt something, i knew that i enjoyed the feeling. Now, when the object has been taken away from me, the feelings have morphed into something different. A disapointement much heavier than i first thought it would be. Ive been without before, and each time was like a new weight to the heart, but each weight was bareable, cureable. Why now, then, do i feel so crushed?
I guess i feel more than i thought i did. More than I allowed myself to know. That makes sense.
Guilt has been a big part of the feelings for the object. I only recently lost what i loved, and already new feelings have arisen. Lies? No. Not lies. Never lies. Perhaps simply too soon? However, if it was too soon, then how to i feel what i feel in the first place? Maybe Im Masochistic? Feeling love for what hurts the most... what cuts the deepest. Perhaps. But now is what i know, and what i know is what i feel towards him. What i feel towards the knowledge that i cant have him. And that is what hurts the most.